Father's Day

This year, Father's Day will be bitter sweet. Though it marks a day we get to celebrate his crazy awesomeness as a daddy, it also marks one month our Lucy has been in Heaven. Though the kids and I will do our best to make Father's Day special for him, we all know Lucy will be on our minds and our hearts. (*I'll post a rundown of the festivities later-- I don't want to ruin any surprises for Dad.)


A friend wrote a blog recently about how father's often get forgotten about when a family suffers a loss of a baby. This is so painfully true. Most of the time, the focus is on mom, and how she is coping, healing, dealing.  Dads feel pain, without a doubt. Eric has been amazing through everything, but just because he is functioning, doesn't mean he isn't hurting.  I admire his strength, his positive attitude, his ability to pick me up when I am weak. I admire his incredible faith in Christ. I admire his love for our family and his dedication to our healing.

But more so, I admire his vulnerability and his real emotions. I love that he shares his heartache over Lucy with me, and doesn't keep his feelings secret. Never has he tried to portray himself as 'above' the hurt that we've experienced. I love that we are in this together, and our bond has never been stronger. I love how he gives our family, our hurt, our loss, our marriage to God and turns to Him for guidance. I love how great he is with the kids and I love how much they love him. The basics, I love my husband and I know he is going through all that I am feeling and more! I pray to be as much a help to his healing as he has been to me.

Lucy is and always will be daddy's little angel and have his whole heart, just like Dom and Sophie. For sure, God knew what he was doing when he gave me this man, and I am so grateful to have him leading our family and joyfully celebrate him this Father's Day. 

We miss Lucy dearly, but we find comfort in knowing even though she cant be in mine and Eric's arms this Father's Day, our Heavenly Father is wrapping HIS big daddy arms around her and all the other babies that are with him on this day and every day until we are with her... he is wrapping his love around all of us, too!  We rejoice in these truths and can't wait for that day.

Glory Baby, by Watermark. 

(*video says its a tribute to moms?? I'd like to add, this should be a tribute to daddies, too!)

One Mommy's Cry

I had a little outing on my own today. Eric was working. Sophie spent the morning with Grandma, Dom went to an Astro's Game with his summer day camp. I had a stop for some coffee, ran some errands, met a friend for lunch.  At some points in there, things felt somewhat normal, i welcome normal, it was nice to feel some normal.

Now, in the middle of all that, I went to the cemetery to leave a little bit of sunshine at Lucy's grave. When I walked up I saw a few other flower arrangements, one of those Styrofoam silk flower/cross things you'd see at a funeral. The wind had knocked some things over, so I started fixing things, picking them up and putting arrangements back together... Naturally, all that time I was cleaning this up, I was wondering who had been by to visit Lucy's grave and leave all this. Lots of pink ribbon, and butterflies, beautiful little butterflies! Then it happened- I picked up a spray of flowers that had turned over and I saw that a baby had just been buried right next to Lucy. Of course, breakdown immediately followed. How could I not have seen that? These things are not here for Lucy, but from this other baby's funeral. Where was my mind? Why didn't I see this other tiny grave right next to Lucy? I fell to my knees, just sobbing for this baby girl. I prayed for her mommy and daddy. I started wondering if this was something that happened suddenly. Was this an older infant? What happened? Was she sick? Was there an accident?

I looked around the cemetery, at all the markers for all the babies. All the wind chimes, the flowers, the toy cars, the trinkets... how many babies, how many stories... how many tears have mommies shed in this very spot that I am kneeling in?

Needless to say it took me a while to pull it together, wondering why the heck would I think I was ready to come to the cemetery alone. But I did. I was there, alone and I needed to get it together and when I did, I spent my quiet time with God at that cemetery, in that very spot, still on my knees from my initial fall. Praying to God to pour out some peace, for not only myself but for all of these mommies that have shed tears in that very same spot. I didn't pray to understand why... I really don't need to understand it. I KNOW it's all part of His plan, and His work, and I don't need to question that.

So instead, I asked him What? What do I do now and how do I get through this? What do I do with this ugly, raw painful heartache...What do I do with this hurt, and HOW can I use this to glorify you, Lord? I continue to pray for you to work in me, and to work through me... BIG.  Amen.

June 7th

Lucy's Bright Yellow Sunflowers

Today would have marked Lucy's 40 weeks... her 'due date'. It is hard to believe all that has happened in the past couple of weeks. We have been so numb to everything going on around us, still.  Late this morning, we went to the cemetery. We brought 5 sunflowers, one for each member of our family and a butterfly balloon.

So, it has not rained here in forever and as we pull into the cemetery, the rain started. I needed this. I took that opportunity to breathe, to give thanks to God for this baby we are remembering today, to pray He continue to help us grow and heal.

I am so glad we went there all together as a family. I needed Eric so much to get through this visit. I needed his reminders and his kind spirit. It's just her body, Lucy is not here. Our baby is in Heaven.  I needed him when Dominic said he wondered what Lucy was doing right now. What a blessing this man is to our family. He had the perfect words and handled it beautifully.  She's probably dancing around and playing in heaven, baby.

We were happy to see Lucy's temporary marker was placed on her grave. Her permanent marker will not be ready for months, so we were happy to have that marking placed their for the time being.

While we were out there, the same thoughts kept running through my head.

Suffering can bring out JOY. Rejoice in this suffering. And find JOY in everything.
(It was from Pastor Brandon's message from this Sunday.)

Suffering the loss of a child is a difficult time to find joy. And I am not saying that I am joyful about our loss, but I AM joyful in the fact that our baby girl is safe and sound with our Father, and joyful in the fact that we will be reunited again and joyful in the blessing Lucy has been in our lives. 

giving kisses to his sister

kissies to her sister, too :)

 I'd like to share these verses with you and I pray that whatever trials you are going through right now, no matter how big or how small, that you will adhere to God's Word, find comfort in Him, and that these verses are as helpful to you as they are for me.  Every day, every moment that we are faced with is an opportunity to rejoice, to praise God, and to find joy.

Nehemiah 8:10 “...the joy of the Lord is your strength.”

John 16:22 “...and your joy no one will take from you.”

James 1:2 “My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials,...”

Psalms 16:11 “You will show me the path of life; In Your presence is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore.”

Psalms 30:5 “...Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning.”

  

We love you, sweet Lucy.