"This little light of mine...."



Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Thinking of you, Lucy.



This is a repost, it is the video we played at Lucy's funeral in May. I listen to this song often and think of our tiny dancer. Love you, sweet Lucia Faith.

This Grief Journey Dance

After Lucy's passing, I have focused on (very) few things. Blogging, unfortunately, has not been one of them. We started this blog for our family and friends and those that Lucy's little life had touched, as a way to get information about Lucy quickly, and, well, without having to talk about it, because typing was much easier than trying to get the words out.

This blog has now turned into a place to update others on our healing and little snippets about the joy we are rebuilding in our lives. I think of Lucy constantly, and I think I could log on every day and make an entry in the blog that would say this:

Dear Lucy, my tiny dancer,
My heart is aching and I long to be with you again.
I still dont get why you aren't with us now, sweet girl.
I love you,

Mommy.

But it hurts too much, to write that, to think it, to say it. It hurts because it reminds me that Lucy is not here, as if we need that reminder, right? And it hurts, because I feel like I am running away from my healing, and taking back what I have already laid at God's feet. I immediately feel like I have taken ten leaps backwards, and any little progress is out the window. Earlier this week, I received a sweet pick-me-up note that simply said this:

The moment we can finally trade our "why" for a "Who," the rest of our journey changes.
I am SO ready for my journey to change!  I am so ready to give all of this to God and ready to stop letting my human self understand things that are bigger than I can comprehend. I am ready to stop running from my fears of losing another child, and ready to build myself up enough to continue adding to our family.

A perfectly-timed prayer from my daily devotional today:

Heavenly Father, I am ready to change my "why" for You. Lord, thank You than even when I run away, You pursue my heart and never let me go. Please continue to show me Your love today and every day. It is in Your Precious Name I pray, Amen.  

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Proud Mommy Moments

So I have to brag on my Dominic for a bit. He is 8 years old and just such a special special kid! This summer he has attended a summer day camp and has had a blast every single day. This morning, they are headed to a local water park, full of fun and excitement, and lazy rivers, and dips and slides and tubes... and WATER! My Dominic can swim, but I would not say that he is the strongest swimmer. I was hesitant to let him go. Terrified that something was going to happen to him, all I could think was I cannot have something happen to another one of my babies! Again, letting this fear take over me.  We talked about how much he wanted to go, and the decision was made that he will participate. I put everything in God's hands and signed his permission slip.

On to my proud mommy moment:

This morning as I dropped him off, I got him all checked in, made sure he was set with his lunch, some spending money for a treat, towel, water bottle, sunscreen, water shoes, change of clothes, check, check, and double-triple check. I sat myself down on this blue stage, trying to mustered up the courage to leave. He was standing in front of me, and I asked him to pray with me. He took my hands in his, with his head bowed and his eyes closed, we prayed. In this room full of his peers, my baby boy and I prayed! I was so proud of this simple moment. We prayed for God to have his hands around him and all the campers. To be with the counselors as they took on this responsibility today with ALL of our babies. We prayed for everyone to have a joyous time, to remember to be respectful and mindful of eachother, and for them all to return home safely this afternoon. I looked at my baby boy for him to close our prayer, and he said, "Jesus, please let my mom have a good day today and not worry about me because YOU are with me right now, to protect me like You always do, and You are watching over me. Amen."

 "AMEN!"

Oh yeah, you know I was in tears when I walked out of there. The most important message for every day for every situation for every person out there. So simple, yet so complex! Today WILL be a blessed day! I love this boy! I love my handsome witty and smart little man! I love that he has come to know Christ Jesus at such an early age. I love that I am his mommy and I love how proud he makes me every moment of every day.

 Let's all remember Dommy's prayer this morning, wise beyond his 8 little years. Remember, whatever circumstances you are faced with, whatever season you are experiencing right now. Remember you dont have to worry because God is with you in your "water park" today and every day. Praying for a blessed day for each and every one of you!

Love,

me.