... so it's been a while.

I stop by my blog, with intention of writing and pouring out thoughts. I peek around, read about my Lucy, and exit my blog with a heavy heart and a yearn to be with my girl again. So, here we are, a year later, with a little catch up in pictures...

2nd Trimester at March of Dimes Walk; we are in front of Lucy's banner

Poor Dom had to sit this one out this year. He was at home, under the weather.

. 

Maternity Shoot with Stacy Todd Photography, incorporated some yellow for Lucy's light as we are awaiting our little miracle's arrival.

Hello world, meet Grayson Eric Montoya. Born August 20, 2012.

Family Christmas Shoot at Lucy's Tree. Thank you, Stacy Todd!

My absolute favorite photo of the set! Perfectly Imperfect!

 That's the jist of it... spent this year expecting our miracle, waiting, hoping, praying. We love him dearly & hold him tight. The biggest blessing of all here is watching the way God has healed our family. THAT is the rainbow after the storm.

Lucy's Light: 26.2 Bible Verses for Running your RACE.

Lucy's Light: 26.2 Bible Verses for Running your RACE.

26.2 Bible Verses for Running your RACE.

Today is the day! Today would be my first half marathon, my heart is beating so fast just thinking about it! However, our doctor pulled baby and I out last week, (no complaints here, grow, baby grow!)  and I deferred my race for 2013. :) So, I will be sitting this one out but still praying for safe runs for each and every participant. 

I wanted to share this with you, not only those that are running today, but for those who are running this race of life, as these verses are fitting in all of our enduring situations.

This was borrowed from a runner blog, visit her site, she's a mom of three, runner, writer, pretty awesome chic!

Mile 1: Be sure of this: I am with you always, even to the end of age. Matthew 28:20
Mile 2: The Lord will work out his plans for my life. Psalm 138:8
Mile 3: I tell you the truth, if you had faith even as small as the mustard seed, you could say to this mountain, “Move from here to there,” and it would move. Nothing would be impossible. Matthew 17:20
Mile 4: To those who use well what they are given, even more will be given. Luke 19:26
Mile 5: I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength. Philippians 4:13
Mile 6: Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we can not see. Hebrews 11:1
Mile 7: ‘I know the plans I have for you,’ says the Lord. ‘They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and hope.’ Jeremiah 29:11
Mile 8: Be an example to all believers in what you say, in the way you live, in your love, your faith, and your purity. I Timothy 4:12
Mile 9: We know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them. Romans 8:28
Mile 10: Let us run with endurance the race God has set before us. Hebrews 12:1
Mile 11: Commit everything you do to the Lord. Trust him, and he will help you. Psalm 37:5
Mile 12: With God’s help we will do mighty things. Psalm 60:12
Mile 13: We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. Romans 5:3
Mile 14: We are hunted down, but never abandoned by God. We get knocked down, but we are not destroyed. 2 Corinthians 4:9
Mile 15: The Lord is faithful; he will strengthen you. 2 Thessalonians 3:3
Mile 16: Don’t be afraid, for I am with you. Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand. Isaiah 41:10
Mile 17: It is not that we think we are qualified to do anything on our own. Our qualification comes from God. 2 Corinthians 3:5
Mile 18: Be strong and courageous, for your work will be rewarded. Chronicles 15:7
Mile 19: Whatever you do, do well. Ecclesiastes 9:10
Mile 20: He will order his angels to protect you wherever you go. Psalm 91:11
Mile 21: Anything is possible if a person believes. Mark 9:23
Mile 22: The amount you give will determine the amount you get back. Luke 6:38
Mile 23: I have not achieved it, but I focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize… Philippians 3:13
Mile 24: Our present troubles are small and won’t last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever! 2 Corinthians 4:17
Mile 25: I will guide you along the best pathway for your life. I will advise you and watch over you.
Mile 26: Commit your actions to the Lord, and your plans will succeed. Proverbs 16:3
Mile 26.2: But those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. Isaiah 40:31


I believe you are all going to do amazingly well today, just breathe, make sure your shoes are tied, mind is focused, let all your hard work pay off, and ENJOY each and every step you take. 


<3 you all, M.

Lucy's Gonna Be a Big Sister!

Yes! Finally, we can spill it!
Eric and I had an appointment on Monday, confirming:

 We are so happy to announce we will be growing by two more "feet"!!

I know some people say one should wait until they are further along "just in case", but I couldnt. I wanted to share this story with you! God's beautiful little miracle that shines in the middle of so much hurt, so much loss, difficulty and sadness.  I just had to share this news! We prayed for this blessing, prayed to be ready when God was ready. We prayed to get out of the way and just let God's plan be God's plan. And then it happened!

In no way do we think of this blessing as a replacement for our loss. No, Lucy lives in our hearts. She is with me every breath of every day.  I long for my Lucy. My baby girl is going to be a big sister and she isnt here to see! These thoughts are painful, and at times unbearable. However, we try to remain focused on the joy that our Lord has given us this miracle to show us His grace. He will take a father and mother with a greiving heart and give them a dose of hope. A growing miracle, a baby, a dose of peace. These worries? Fears? Anxiety about another loss? They were a constant hum, of course.

But then, this morning in my devotional I read this verse:

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.  Joshua 1:9

And last night, a sweet God-fearing woman and friend sent me this:

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.  Philippians 4:6-7


I hear You loud and clear, Lord. You have this in your hands, this miracle, and I shall not fear.

Ready or not...

December 15th, 10 days away from Christmas. This season has been such a roller coaster ride for us. The more time passes, the more it sinks in that our tiny dancer is not here. I have found so many moments where I am just crying out, "It's not supposed to be this way. Lucy is supposed to be a part of all of this. From meltdowns in the middle of the ornaments at Hallmark, when I am buying a remembrance ornament instead of a chubby character reading baby's first christmas. The ache of empty arms in the Christmas photos. Or skipping the line for a visit with Santa because I see all these little baby girls, dolled up from head to toe in everything velvet, and poofy, and shiny. Then there I am, going through the motions and procastinating on the stockings, because I cant bear the sight of the empty pale pink one on the end.

So last night, we attended a support group. A room full of other families going through the exact same thing. We shared a meal together, participated in a candlelighting ceremony, and created a keepsake for our loved ones. We put messages in the keepsake for Lucy. What we miss, what we long to experience with her, what we'd want to say to her. There it was, in sparkly purple pen, glitz, and strips of paper, all of our aches and pains for Lucy. 

Later last night, I kept replaying the five candles and their meaning in my head. I cannot express how helpful these words were to me. How "ok" this evening made me feel. I want to share these words with you, with the hope and prayer that it will help you or that you may pass it on to others and be a light to them as well. I would add although, a sixth candle, one for our faith, because it is in God and God alone, that we get through any part of our journey, especially this period in our lives where we have leaned on Him the most.

As we light these five candles in honor of you, we light one for our grief, one for our courage, one for our memories, one for our love and one for our hope.

• This candle represents our grief. The pain of losing you is intense. It reminds us of the depth of our love for you.
• This candle represents our courage - to confront our sorrow, to comfort each other, to change our lives.
• This candle is in your memory - the times we laughed, the times we cried, the times we were angry, and the joy you gave us.
• This candle is the light of love. As we enter this holiday season, day by day we cherish the special place in our hearts that will always be reserved for you. We thank you for the gift your life brought to each of us.
• And this candle is for hope. It reminds us of love and memories of you that are ours forever. May the glow of the flame be our source of hopefulness.
  
  We love you, Lucy. We celebrate here on earth, His birth, you celebrate daily in His presence.

Blessings in Even the Sleepiest of Sleepless Nights

Last night, was a very dark night for Eric and I. I cant put into words how much we were longing for Lucy. There is this emptiness in our family. A hole that cannot be filled. I lay in our bed and tossed for several hours. My heart was racing and I couldnt even keep my eyes closed. I prayed and begged for sleep. I picked up my phone and read this morning's devotional. Now my prayers for sleep turned to prayers for song. This is the devotional that I read:

Choosing to sing in the Night.

God my Maker... gives the songs in the night.  Job 35:10

The Lord will command His loving kindness in the daytime;
And His song will be with me in the night.
A prayer to the God of my life.            Psalm 42:8

It is very late.
It is very dark.
It is very quiet.
So quiet that it seems all the world must be sleeping.
Suddenly a bird begins to sing.
How beautiful!
How clear!
... how strange.

Why is that bird singing, Lord? It is so dark. I doubt it is because of a full stomach, and the heavy thunderstorm we had this afternoon certainly didnt leave her a dry nest to warble about. Why? Why does she sing?

I qustion whether it could be for her benefit in any way. She doesnt even know anyone is listening. She's all by herself in the world out there. I cannot imagine that it is for a sense of "fulfillment"...  birds dont have that capacity, do they Lord?

And I am quite sure that it is NOT because she had a "good day". She has worked hard all day getting enough food. Her nest may have been destroyed in the storm; her tiny little ones may have been killed. All sorts of bad things... and yet she sings!

Is it to make the darkness beautiful?
Is she serenading her loved one?
Is it to declare her territorial boundaries?
Is it a source of comfort from You for those who might be listening?

Lord, regardless of her reason, that little bird is being used by You. She is glorifying You through her song.

I too, by Your grace, can choose to sing in the night, in the darkness, in the stillness, when I am all alone. Then others will say, "why is she singing? Its so dark!" And I can answer:

"My Maker gives me songs in the night."

Before He can give me a song in the night, I must experience the night.

Thank you, Lord, for Your perfect timing, for Your words and Your book that encourages us to live for Your glory. May I be a story of Your grace today, and let my light shine. I will sing my song for You in the darkest of dark nights. I love you, Lord. Amen.

  

Thinking of you, Lucy.

This is a repost, it is the video we played at Lucy's funeral in May. I listen to this song often and think of our tiny dancer. Love you, sweet Lucia Faith.

This Grief Journey Dance

After Lucy's passing, I have focused on (very) few things. Blogging, unfortunately, has not been one of them. We started this blog for our family and friends and those that Lucy's little life had touched, as a way to get information about Lucy quickly, and, well, without having to talk about it, because typing was much easier than trying to get the words out.

This blog has now turned into a place to update others on our healing and little snippets about the joy we are rebuilding in our lives. I think of Lucy constantly, and I think I could log on every day and make an entry in the blog that would say this:

Dear Lucy, my tiny dancer,

My heart is aching and I long to be with you again.

I still dont get why you aren't with us now, sweet girl.

I love you,

Mommy.

But it hurts too much, to write that, to think it, to say it. It hurts because it reminds me that Lucy is not here, as if we need that reminder, right? And it hurts, because I feel like I am running away from my healing, and taking back what I have already laid at God's feet. I immediately feel like I have taken ten leaps backwards, and any little progress is out the window. Earlier this week, I received a sweet pick-me-up note that simply said this:

The moment we can finally trade our "why" for a "Who," the rest of our journey changes.

I am SO ready for my journey to change!  I am so ready to give all of this to God and ready to stop letting my human self understand things that are bigger than I can comprehend. I am ready to stop running from my fears of losing another child, and ready to build myself up enough to continue adding to our family.

A perfectly-timed prayer from my daily devotional today:

Heavenly Father, I am ready to change my "why" for You. Lord, thank You than even when I run away, You pursue my heart and never let me go. Please continue to show me Your love today and every day. It is in Your Precious Name I pray, Amen.  

Proud Mommy Moments

So I have to brag on my Dominic for a bit. He is 8 years old and just such a special special kid! This summer he has attended a summer day camp and has had a blast every single day. This morning, they are headed to a local water park, full of fun and excitement, and lazy rivers, and dips and slides and tubes... and WATER! My Dominic can swim, but I would not say that he is the strongest swimmer. I was hesitant to let him go. Terrified that something was going to happen to him, all I could think was I cannot have something happen to another one of my babies! Again, letting this fear take over me.  We talked about how much he wanted to go, and the decision was made that he will participate. I put everything in God's hands and signed his permission slip.

On to my proud mommy moment:

This morning as I dropped him off, I got him all checked in, made sure he was set with his lunch, some spending money for a treat, towel, water bottle, sunscreen, water shoes, change of clothes, check, check, and double-triple check. I sat myself down on this blue stage, trying to mustered up the courage to leave. He was standing in front of me, and I asked him to pray with me. He took my hands in his, with his head bowed and his eyes closed, we prayed. In this room full of his peers, my baby boy and I prayed! I was so proud of this simple moment. We prayed for God to have his hands around him and all the campers. To be with the counselors as they took on this responsibility today with ALL of our babies. We prayed for everyone to have a joyous time, to remember to be respectful and mindful of eachother, and for them all to return home safely this afternoon. I looked at my baby boy for him to close our prayer, and he said, "Jesus, please let my mom have a good day today and not worry about me because YOU are with me right now, to protect me like You always do, and You are watching over me. Amen."

 "AMEN!"

Oh yeah, you know I was in tears when I walked out of there. The most important message for every day for every situation for every person out there. So simple, yet so complex! Today WILL be a blessed day! I love this boy! I love my handsome witty and smart little man! I love that he has come to know Christ Jesus at such an early age. I love that I am his mommy and I love how proud he makes me every moment of every day.

 Let's all remember Dommy's prayer this morning, wise beyond his 8 little years. Remember, whatever circumstances you are faced with, whatever season you are experiencing right now. Remember you dont have to worry because God is with you in your "water park" today and every day. Praying for a blessed day for each and every one of you!

Love,

me.

Miracles and Mishaps

So last Friday was Eric's birthday. It is still such a rough time to celebrate, but we made the best of the weekend ahead. We went to the cemetery to take some fresh flowers to Lucy's grave. We stop off for some beautiful yellow roses on our way there. We get there just as the grounds crew was laying Lucy's permanent marker. I dont even think I let Eric fully stop the car before I grabbed my camera phone and made a dash to see this. 

What a blessing it was for us to catch this moment. Her marker was not due to be finished until mid-August or September. And the families aren't contacted until days after the piece has been set. So we were so happy to have been there to see this. We stayed a while and watched the men work. They both were so kind and asked how Lucy passed. One of the men shared he had also lost a baby when his wife was six months pregnant, also due to the baby's heart. They told us they were sorry for our loss and then one of the men went back to their work truck and brought out some water to pour in Lucy's vase. He said, to help the flowers live a little longer. Oh, these hard working men with their hearts full of gold!

They left us there, at Lucy's grave, now adorned with her new marker. Eric and I stood silent for a bit and waited for the water on her marker to dry. I took a few more pictures and then we went back to the car to wait for it to dry completely to get a good photo. As we sat in the car, we were flipping through the pictures in the phone, holding back tears, this is just so painful still.

Eric looked a bit closer at one of the photos and found there was a typo!! The marker said MAR 19, 2011. Lucy passed on MAY 19, 2011. I ran back out to the marker to see if it was just a bad photo, but sure enough the marker read MAR. I frantically started flipping through old emails to find the draft that we were sent for approval. There it was, plain as day MAR 19, 2011. How did we do this? How did we not see the date was wrong? Sophie's birthday is in March, Lucy's birthday is in May! How did I sign something so important without noticing. I stared at the drafts for hours when they were first emailed to us.  It just didn't make any sense to me that this happened.

I was devastated. My heart hurt so badly. How could I let my tiny dancer down? This little thing I had to do for her, and I messed it up! Eric tried to comfort me, tried to console me and get me to calm down, but I was done. I was so completely done with this nightmare, and all of the bad news, and Lucy's heart being so sick, and done with losing my baby girl, and the heartache, and the pain, and the loss, and the emptiness. I was DONE. I want off of this ride, I want it to stop right now.

I kept thinking, there's a reason they say "set in stone". It's permanent. She's gone. It's done. This happened, and there is no turning back. Lucy is gone, the stone is wrong... and Lucy is gone. I think this is probably the most raw I have ever felt. The darkest ugliest truth of it... my baby was born, she defied all of these odds, and then just like that, she was gone. It's not supposed to happen this way.

This feeling that I failed my Lucy haunted me for the rest of the weekend. I just prayed and prayed for resolution so we could move forward again. I wanted to hide the error, I wanted to remove the stone and not let anyone see what I had done. But really, who would I be hiding this from? I sat there in prayer and thought of all the "typo's" I've made in my life. All the mistakes, the times I have strayed from God. All the moments I should have been living to honor Him more. Who am I hiding those things from? He sees it all, He knows it all. He loves me, still.  

He knew this moment was going to happen; Lucy was going to bless our lives for 19 minutes, she was then going to leave us, and we would have to pull through. He knew we were going to be emotionally devastated, and wanted us to lean on Him for support. He knew again the day I signed that draft, that I would need comfort on the day I realized my mistake. And he was there for me, strong and loving Father, who catches me when I fall.  

We decided immediately, either they will be able to fix the typo. Fill in the letter and recut. Or Lucy is getting a brand new marker. End of story.  We are still not at a place where we can sit back and laugh about the mistake, but we will get there. We are however, at a place where we know we can get through this and that Christ, our Father is with us every step of the way.

My prayer for you today is to go to Him with your "typo's", be open and honest with Him and put it out there for Him to see you are ready for His helping hands. Let Him show you to it and let Him carry you through it, and I pray that you will feel that lightened load when you no longer have it all on your shoulders alone. I pray all of this in His name, Amen.



Should read: MAY 19, 2011


for now, Lucy's marker reads:

Lucia Faith

MONTOYA

MAR 19, 2011

Lucy

Tiny Dancer

(set of babyfeet)

Two Months Later

my sweet Lucy

Two months ago, we were sitting in our hospital room, showering our baby girl with kisses and prayers. We were singing lullabies, and we read her first and last bedtime story. We were trying to take in every moment we had with her, trying to take mental pictures and memories of her tiny features, her scent, her sounds, we didnt want to miss a thing.

Now, two months later, as we are trying to still piece our lives back together, it is more and more evident that things will never be as they were. There is a part of our family that will be forever missing, a part of our family that lives now in heaven.

I find myself daydreaming about Lucy all the time. I wonder what she would be like now, maybe sleeping through the night by this time like her brother and sister did. I wonder if she would have milk allergies like Dominic, or be a big eater like her sister. Or if she would be responding to our voices and music like she did in the womb. I wonder if she would have filled in Sophie's hand me down onesies and if she'd allow me to put the hugest bows in her hair like her sister did. I imagine us taking her on our runs in the evening, or cuddling up and falling asleep on the couch. Or I picture her bassinet in my bedroom, where I would wait up to feed her again. I dream about rocking her to sleep in the nursery, and having to sit a certain way so it doesnt creak and wake her like I used to with Sophie. I can sit all day and dream and dream about all that never came to be.

I can easily see how these thoughts could consume me, and sometimes they do. I miss her so much. I miss everything about her. And we are trying, collectively, our family is trying to get through the days... with medication, and prayer, and counseling and support groups, and family, and friends, and more prayer, and we try so hard! I try so very hard but the pain is, well its indescribable. The emptiness, the feeling of just being out of place, like the whole world is carrying on in this dance, but I am just always a couple beats off.

But then there are the other times, that I am just at peace in my memories of Lucy. For the teeny tiny bit that I got to be Lucy's mommy here on earth, that gives me so much to look forward to in heaven. I am so amazed how this little tiny baby impacted our lives and showed us so much about our faith and our Father. I have learned so much about myself and my Father through my suffering and loss. I am inspired, and so thirsty to learn more. I read early on in my pregnancy, when we first learned of Lucy's complications, a bible verse that has stuck with me for months and months.

"I have refined you, but not in the way silver is refined. But rather, I have refined you in the furnace of suffering." Isaiah 48:10

Please God, continue to work in me, refining me through this journey, and building me up again. It has only been two months into our journey, God, and I pray to honor You in my grief and that I can handle these days with grace and continue to grow closer to You.  I pray for healing, God, for myself and my family, now and the days to come. Amen.

Capturing This and That

So, for my birthday, my sweet sweet husband gifted a cool new Nikon D3100. He'd been planning it for a while and completely caught me by surprise! Now, I know nothing about photography, but am finding all these neat features.... and having loads of fun annoying the kids and snapping shots.  Here's a couple shots from a backyard picnic we shared earlier this week. Clearly, they are less than pleased about daddy's purchase!

rainbows and sweet sentiments

Dom & Soph devouring their rainbow cupcakes!

So,  I've been wanting to share this for a while now, and my kiddos reminded me again at our picnic today. We were having a great conversation about the drought and rain and, anyway Dominic was reminiscing about when a friend of ours brought these beautiful rainbow cupcakes to us. At first, they were just beautiful cupcakes, and delicious at that! But then I read her card:

And God Said, This is the sign of the covenant I am making between me and you and every living creature with you, a covenant for all generations to come; i have set my rainbow in the clouds and it will be the sign of the covenant between me and earth. ~Genesis 9:12-13

I hope you are reminded of God's Love and promises every time you see a rainbow!

Of course, needless to say, I will never look at another rainbow (or rainbow cupcake) the same. This reminded me though, that there are so many other simple reminders all around us of God's love. He gives us the gifts of these "little things", the rainbows, the ocean waves crashing against our skin, feeling the grass between your toes, or the breezes, watching the clouds float by on a lazy day with the kids that reminds us He is all around. We are in the midst of trying to heal after the loss of our Lucy, but its these little reminders, the rainbows, that assure me of His love and that is more than enough to keep me going until we are reunited with our sweet girl one day. 

My prayer is for all of us to find our rainbow today. Amen.

(Photos I snagged from our friend of the sweet cupcakes she made!)

I miss you.

That is all. Nothing deep or insightful, just really missing you today. Trying my best to put on a happy face, but days like today make it hard. Love you, sweet Lucy.

Mommy.

Father's Day

This year, Father's Day will be bitter sweet. Though it marks a day we get to celebrate his crazy awesomeness as a daddy, it also marks one month our Lucy has been in Heaven. Though the kids and I will do our best to make Father's Day special for him, we all know Lucy will be on our minds and our hearts. (*I'll post a rundown of the festivities later-- I don't want to ruin any surprises for Dad.)


A friend wrote a blog recently about how father's often get forgotten about when a family suffers a loss of a baby. This is so painfully true. Most of the time, the focus is on mom, and how she is coping, healing, dealing.  Dads feel pain, without a doubt. Eric has been amazing through everything, but just because he is functioning, doesn't mean he isn't hurting.  I admire his strength, his positive attitude, his ability to pick me up when I am weak. I admire his incredible faith in Christ. I admire his love for our family and his dedication to our healing.

But more so, I admire his vulnerability and his real emotions. I love that he shares his heartache over Lucy with me, and doesn't keep his feelings secret. Never has he tried to portray himself as 'above' the hurt that we've experienced. I love that we are in this together, and our bond has never been stronger. I love how he gives our family, our hurt, our loss, our marriage to God and turns to Him for guidance. I love how great he is with the kids and I love how much they love him. The basics, I love my husband and I know he is going through all that I am feeling and more! I pray to be as much a help to his healing as he has been to me.

Lucy is and always will be daddy's little angel and have his whole heart, just like Dom and Sophie. For sure, God knew what he was doing when he gave me this man, and I am so grateful to have him leading our family and joyfully celebrate him this Father's Day. 

We miss Lucy dearly, but we find comfort in knowing even though she cant be in mine and Eric's arms this Father's Day, our Heavenly Father is wrapping HIS big daddy arms around her and all the other babies that are with him on this day and every day until we are with her... he is wrapping his love around all of us, too!  We rejoice in these truths and can't wait for that day.

Glory Baby, by Watermark. 

(*video says its a tribute to moms?? I'd like to add, this should be a tribute to daddies, too!)

One Mommy's Cry

I had a little outing on my own today. Eric was working. Sophie spent the morning with Grandma, Dom went to an Astro's Game with his summer day camp. I had a stop for some coffee, ran some errands, met a friend for lunch.  At some points in there, things felt somewhat normal, i welcome normal, it was nice to feel some normal.

Now, in the middle of all that, I went to the cemetery to leave a little bit of sunshine at Lucy's grave. When I walked up I saw a few other flower arrangements, one of those Styrofoam silk flower/cross things you'd see at a funeral. The wind had knocked some things over, so I started fixing things, picking them up and putting arrangements back together... Naturally, all that time I was cleaning this up, I was wondering who had been by to visit Lucy's grave and leave all this. Lots of pink ribbon, and butterflies, beautiful little butterflies! Then it happened- I picked up a spray of flowers that had turned over and I saw that a baby had just been buried right next to Lucy. Of course, breakdown immediately followed. How could I not have seen that? These things are not here for Lucy, but from this other baby's funeral. Where was my mind? Why didn't I see this other tiny grave right next to Lucy? I fell to my knees, just sobbing for this baby girl. I prayed for her mommy and daddy. I started wondering if this was something that happened suddenly. Was this an older infant? What happened? Was she sick? Was there an accident?

I looked around the cemetery, at all the markers for all the babies. All the wind chimes, the flowers, the toy cars, the trinkets... how many babies, how many stories... how many tears have mommies shed in this very spot that I am kneeling in?

Needless to say it took me a while to pull it together, wondering why the heck would I think I was ready to come to the cemetery alone. But I did. I was there, alone and I needed to get it together and when I did, I spent my quiet time with God at that cemetery, in that very spot, still on my knees from my initial fall. Praying to God to pour out some peace, for not only myself but for all of these mommies that have shed tears in that very same spot. I didn't pray to understand why... I really don't need to understand it. I KNOW it's all part of His plan, and His work, and I don't need to question that.

So instead, I asked him What? What do I do now and how do I get through this? What do I do with this ugly, raw painful heartache...What do I do with this hurt, and HOW can I use this to glorify you, Lord? I continue to pray for you to work in me, and to work through me... BIG.  Amen.

June 7th

Lucy's Bright Yellow Sunflowers

Today would have marked Lucy's 40 weeks... her 'due date'. It is hard to believe all that has happened in the past couple of weeks. We have been so numb to everything going on around us, still.  Late this morning, we went to the cemetery. We brought 5 sunflowers, one for each member of our family and a butterfly balloon.

So, it has not rained here in forever and as we pull into the cemetery, the rain started. I needed this. I took that opportunity to breathe, to give thanks to God for this baby we are remembering today, to pray He continue to help us grow and heal.

I am so glad we went there all together as a family. I needed Eric so much to get through this visit. I needed his reminders and his kind spirit. It's just her body, Lucy is not here. Our baby is in Heaven.  I needed him when Dominic said he wondered what Lucy was doing right now. What a blessing this man is to our family. He had the perfect words and handled it beautifully.  She's probably dancing around and playing in heaven, baby.

We were happy to see Lucy's temporary marker was placed on her grave. Her permanent marker will not be ready for months, so we were happy to have that marking placed their for the time being.

While we were out there, the same thoughts kept running through my head.

Suffering can bring out JOY. Rejoice in this suffering. And find JOY in everything.
(It was from Pastor Brandon's message from this Sunday.)

Suffering the loss of a child is a difficult time to find joy. And I am not saying that I am joyful about our loss, but I AM joyful in the fact that our baby girl is safe and sound with our Father, and joyful in the fact that we will be reunited again and joyful in the blessing Lucy has been in our lives. 

giving kisses to his sister

kissies to her sister, too :)

 I'd like to share these verses with you and I pray that whatever trials you are going through right now, no matter how big or how small, that you will adhere to God's Word, find comfort in Him, and that these verses are as helpful to you as they are for me.  Every day, every moment that we are faced with is an opportunity to rejoice, to praise God, and to find joy.

Nehemiah 8:10 “...the joy of the Lord is your strength.”

John 16:22 “...and your joy no one will take from you.”

James 1:2 “My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials,...”

Psalms 16:11 “You will show me the path of life; In Your presence is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore.”

Psalms 30:5 “...Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning.”

  

We love you, sweet Lucy.

A Celebration of Lucy's Life

On Tuesday, May 24, 2011, we celebrated Lucy's life. The funeral was just breathtaking and looking back on it, I don't know how it all came together.  The plants, the flowers, the photos, Lucy's blanket, her "Little Sister" onesie she wore at the hospital, her baby shoes from our maternity photo session, everything was in its place.  My sister brought Lucy 19 long stemmed white roses, simply elegant. We displayed her footprints and handprints in a white frame that now hangs in our bedroom. Little memories of our tiny dancer spread throughout the chapel. Over the past week Eric and I have just been going through the motions, its all still so surreal. Our family and friends have been amazing through all of this. Your support has gotten us through some hard days. I hadn't even thought of this until writing this blog, but the day of her funeral would have marked her 38th week. Tuesdays have been so symbolic for us, standing for another week that Lucy defied the odds. It's on this 38th Tuesday that we celebrate our daughter, dancing with her Father in Heaven. Dance on, my tiny dancer, my sweet girl, you are all healed and safe and we will be with you again.

Pastor John Davis from our church officiated the ceremony. He made this a beautiful service. His message spoke to our hearts and although we are so saddened that we were at a funeral for our infant daughter, his words were so comforting and it was absolutely perfect. 

Two of our friends, Ben Donnelly and Gretchen Griffin each sang for our sweet Lucy. Gretchen sang Chris Tomlin- I Will Rise, and Ben sang, David Crowder- How He Loves. I dont know how they managed to get through this. I couldnt even watch them without crying, so I have no idea how they got the words out and sang so beautifully.  Eric and I were both so touched that they would do this, they are both talented and amazing and an absolute joy to hear their gifts as they are glorifying God. This was also so fitting for our Lucy because one of the memories we will always have of Lucy was how she danced about when she would hear the praise and worship belting through our church. My baby girl, praising Jesus since day one.

Friendswood Police Department, thank you for showing your support and for arranging everything for the procession. It is an honor to work with such great men and women and it was a wonderful feeling to have your support during this time.  Thank you Lisa, and Mrs. Patro for designing and dedicating a gorgeous piece of jewelry from Ace's line for our Lucy. Words cannot express, really.

Greg and Pauletta Jeter, Jeter Funeral Home, and Scott with Forest Park Cemetary East, thank you for making this service special and unique to our Lucia Faith. Thank you for being so kind during this difficult time and for honoring all of our wishes for our sweet girl. You all were so wonderful to us.  

Our church contacted us over the weekend after Lucy passed. I couldnt bring myself to make it to church that Sunday morning, so we watched service online at home. Sometime after 2nd or 3rd service my phone rings and its from the church. Keri Oujeski from our church contacted us to arrange for a reception to be held following the funeral/burial. We hadnt even thought this far yet. Well, we did, but we just didnt know how or where, or what we were going to do, so her phone call was a blessing, complete with perfect timing. A ministry within our church "Our Daily Bread", planned out a complete reception. The ministry is made up of volunteers who each bring a dish and there are others who were there to serve and clean up afterwards. We had no idea this ministry existed within our church, and we told Keri right then and there, she officially had 2 new members on her team. The biggest gift of all of it was for as long as I can remember, anytime there has been a family gathering, my mom and all of her siblings, or Eric's mom and all of her siblings, were running around and gathering, pouring, changing, cleaning, packaging, serving, running, going...going...going... and never got a chance to visit or breathe! I remember very little about the day of the funeral, or the burial, or the reception. But I remember standing in front of a large table filled with my mom and her siblings and yet another with Eric's family and both tables- they were laughing, comforting, enjoying each other. Thank you, New Hope Church for giving us that gift. 

There are so many people I want to thank, and so many things I want to share, but the central key is this: In some way or another you honored my Lucy, and you touched my family's heart by your prayers, your gestures, your thoughts, your kind words, your poetry, your sentiments. We are forever grateful that you are here with us on this journey, and we want to you know we love you, and He loves you. 

Thank you.

 

This is the video we shared at her funeral, and we wanted to share it with you. The song used in this video is by Selah, and the song is titled, "I Will Carry You". It is written by Angie and Todd Smith. The song is about their daughter Audrey, with a story very similar to Lucy's.

Lucy's Birthday

On the morning of May 19th our sweet Lucia Faith was born and lived a glorious 19 minutes until she took her last breath in mommy and daddy’s arms. This is longer than any doctor expected her to be here, and we are so grateful for that priceless time that will stay in our hearts forever.  We are so thankful that our family was able to meet Lucy, and thankful for the many memories we were able to create in the short time she was here.  Instantly, when we saw Lucy, Eric and I both said she resembles so much of her big sister, Sophie. Thank you Lord for this treasure. We find comfort in seeing Lucy in her big sister; this is His soothing gift of peace knowing she will always be in our family.

Everything about Lucy’s short life was graceful. Her labor was quick and it was peaceful. Her heart beat so strong and constant throughout our labor.  My little girl held on, our little Lucy surprised these doctors through and through.  When she arrived, there was instant silence, the entire room held their breath as the doctors detected her heartbeat. My Lucia was here! Her little body was so pink, so perfect, so delicate. Her head full of dark brown wavy hair, each strand lay perfectly placed on her head. Her little button nose and her big beautiful dark eyes, her tiny little mouth, her big pink cheeks I must have kissed every inch of this girl a hundred times. Her perfect little hands and feet, oh Lucy, we love you so.  Even her breathing, so light and she let out the slightest little sound, as if just to let us know she was here. We loved her, all of us, her whole family; we made that known to her for every portion of every second she was with us. 

We knew her heart was slowing, but there was so much joy within our hearts as we celebrated the sheer miracle of her birth.  And then just like that, as gracious as her entrance into this world, with no pain, no hurt, she went to sleep and woke up safely in the arms of our Heavenly Father.  She woke with her Father, healed and complete. Her heart was no longer deteriorating, it was whole and she was made well.

Lucy,

Thank you, my tiny dancer. Thank you for holding on for so long. Thank you for being so strong and so brave and for teaching me so much in the short time you were here.  Thank you for letting us meet you, and feel your breath on my face. Thank you for wrapping your little hand around my finger and not letting go. Thank you for the blessing you have been to this family. Thank you for letting me carry you and cuddle you for 37 weeks, and then giving me another 19 minutes after your birth. Thank you for all of those moments we shared together. Thank you for all the kicks, the butterflies, the comfort, sweet Lucy- Thank you for dancing for mommy. Thank you for being my daughter and letting me love you. 

Thank you for living in my heart forever.

Love,       

Mommy

I thank you, Lord, for giving me peace, for giving me strength, for this journey, for healing my Lucy.

A Bit of Sophie



For the life of us, we do not know what this poor koala did to deserve a time-out, but at least she provided him with a snack, right?

 Reading books with her daddy, this technique is also know to many as "avoiding naptime". Some of her favorites: Goodnight Moon, Are You Ticklish?, ALL THINGS by Eric Carle or Dr. Seuss, anything about babies, animals... and baby animals.

After book number 17 or so, she moved on to Spanish.

 Here's a snapshot we caught on the day she decided she will now go by Sophie Grace instead of plain ol' Sophie. In this photo, "Sophie, do you like to smile?"..."No. Sophie Grace won't smile."

We love you, Sophie Grace,  and we thank you daily for keeping us on our tippy-tippy-tippy-toes :)