"This little light of mine...."



Thursday, December 15, 2011

Ready or not...

December 15th, 10 days away from Christmas. This season has been such a roller coaster ride for us. The more time passes, the more it sinks in that our tiny dancer is not here. I have found so many moments where I am just crying out, "It's not supposed to be this way. Lucy is supposed to be a part of all of this. From meltdowns in the middle of the ornaments at Hallmark, when I am buying a remembrance ornament instead of a chubby character reading baby's first christmas. The ache of empty arms in the Christmas photos. Or skipping the line for a visit with Santa because I see all these little baby girls, dolled up from head to toe in everything velvet, and poofy, and shiny. Then there I am, going through the motions and procastinating on the stockings, because I cant bear the sight of the empty pale pink one on the end.

So last night, we attended a support group. A room full of other families going through the exact same thing. We shared a meal together, participated in a candlelighting ceremony, and created a keepsake for our loved ones. We put messages in the keepsake for Lucy. What we miss, what we long to experience with her, what we'd want to say to her. There it was, in sparkly purple pen, glitz, and strips of paper, all of our aches and pains for Lucy. 

Later last night, I kept replaying the five candles and their meaning in my head. I cannot express how helpful these words were to me. How "ok" this evening made me feel. I want to share these words with you, with the hope and prayer that it will help you or that you may pass it on to others and be a light to them as well. I would add although, a sixth candle, one for our faith, because it is in God and God alone, that we get through any part of our journey, especially this period in our lives where we have leaned on Him the most.

As we light these five candles in honor of you, we light one for our grief, one for our courage, one for our memories, one for our love and one for our hope.
  • This candle represents our grief. The pain of losing you is intense. It reminds us of the depth of our love for you.
  • This candle represents our courage - to confront our sorrow, to comfort each other, to change our lives.
  • This candle is in your memory - the times we laughed, the times we cried, the times we were angry, and the joy you gave us.
  • This candle is the light of love. As we enter this holiday season, day by day we cherish the special place in our hearts that will always be reserved for you. We thank you for the gift your life brought to each of us.
  • And this candle is for hope. It reminds us of love and memories of you that are ours forever. May the glow of the flame be our source of hopefulness.

    We love you, Lucy. We celebrate here on earth, His birth, you celebrate daily in His presence.