Ready or not...

December 15th, 10 days away from Christmas. This season has been such a roller coaster ride for us. The more time passes, the more it sinks in that our tiny dancer is not here. I have found so many moments where I am just crying out, "It's not supposed to be this way. Lucy is supposed to be a part of all of this. From meltdowns in the middle of the ornaments at Hallmark, when I am buying a remembrance ornament instead of a chubby character reading baby's first christmas. The ache of empty arms in the Christmas photos. Or skipping the line for a visit with Santa because I see all these little baby girls, dolled up from head to toe in everything velvet, and poofy, and shiny. Then there I am, going through the motions and procastinating on the stockings, because I cant bear the sight of the empty pale pink one on the end.

So last night, we attended a support group. A room full of other families going through the exact same thing. We shared a meal together, participated in a candlelighting ceremony, and created a keepsake for our loved ones. We put messages in the keepsake for Lucy. What we miss, what we long to experience with her, what we'd want to say to her. There it was, in sparkly purple pen, glitz, and strips of paper, all of our aches and pains for Lucy. 

Later last night, I kept replaying the five candles and their meaning in my head. I cannot express how helpful these words were to me. How "ok" this evening made me feel. I want to share these words with you, with the hope and prayer that it will help you or that you may pass it on to others and be a light to them as well. I would add although, a sixth candle, one for our faith, because it is in God and God alone, that we get through any part of our journey, especially this period in our lives where we have leaned on Him the most.

As we light these five candles in honor of you, we light one for our grief, one for our courage, one for our memories, one for our love and one for our hope.

• This candle represents our grief. The pain of losing you is intense. It reminds us of the depth of our love for you.
• This candle represents our courage - to confront our sorrow, to comfort each other, to change our lives.
• This candle is in your memory - the times we laughed, the times we cried, the times we were angry, and the joy you gave us.
• This candle is the light of love. As we enter this holiday season, day by day we cherish the special place in our hearts that will always be reserved for you. We thank you for the gift your life brought to each of us.
• And this candle is for hope. It reminds us of love and memories of you that are ours forever. May the glow of the flame be our source of hopefulness.
  
  We love you, Lucy. We celebrate here on earth, His birth, you celebrate daily in His presence.

Blessings in Even the Sleepiest of Sleepless Nights

Last night, was a very dark night for Eric and I. I cant put into words how much we were longing for Lucy. There is this emptiness in our family. A hole that cannot be filled. I lay in our bed and tossed for several hours. My heart was racing and I couldnt even keep my eyes closed. I prayed and begged for sleep. I picked up my phone and read this morning's devotional. Now my prayers for sleep turned to prayers for song. This is the devotional that I read:

Choosing to sing in the Night.

God my Maker... gives the songs in the night.  Job 35:10

The Lord will command His loving kindness in the daytime;
And His song will be with me in the night.
A prayer to the God of my life.            Psalm 42:8

It is very late.
It is very dark.
It is very quiet.
So quiet that it seems all the world must be sleeping.
Suddenly a bird begins to sing.
How beautiful!
How clear!
... how strange.

Why is that bird singing, Lord? It is so dark. I doubt it is because of a full stomach, and the heavy thunderstorm we had this afternoon certainly didnt leave her a dry nest to warble about. Why? Why does she sing?

I qustion whether it could be for her benefit in any way. She doesnt even know anyone is listening. She's all by herself in the world out there. I cannot imagine that it is for a sense of "fulfillment"...  birds dont have that capacity, do they Lord?

And I am quite sure that it is NOT because she had a "good day". She has worked hard all day getting enough food. Her nest may have been destroyed in the storm; her tiny little ones may have been killed. All sorts of bad things... and yet she sings!

Is it to make the darkness beautiful?
Is she serenading her loved one?
Is it to declare her territorial boundaries?
Is it a source of comfort from You for those who might be listening?

Lord, regardless of her reason, that little bird is being used by You. She is glorifying You through her song.

I too, by Your grace, can choose to sing in the night, in the darkness, in the stillness, when I am all alone. Then others will say, "why is she singing? Its so dark!" And I can answer:

"My Maker gives me songs in the night."

Before He can give me a song in the night, I must experience the night.

Thank you, Lord, for Your perfect timing, for Your words and Your book that encourages us to live for Your glory. May I be a story of Your grace today, and let my light shine. I will sing my song for You in the darkest of dark nights. I love you, Lord. Amen.

  

Thinking of you, Lucy.

This is a repost, it is the video we played at Lucy's funeral in May. I listen to this song often and think of our tiny dancer. Love you, sweet Lucia Faith.

This Grief Journey Dance

After Lucy's passing, I have focused on (very) few things. Blogging, unfortunately, has not been one of them. We started this blog for our family and friends and those that Lucy's little life had touched, as a way to get information about Lucy quickly, and, well, without having to talk about it, because typing was much easier than trying to get the words out.

This blog has now turned into a place to update others on our healing and little snippets about the joy we are rebuilding in our lives. I think of Lucy constantly, and I think I could log on every day and make an entry in the blog that would say this:

Dear Lucy, my tiny dancer,

My heart is aching and I long to be with you again.

I still dont get why you aren't with us now, sweet girl.

I love you,

Mommy.

But it hurts too much, to write that, to think it, to say it. It hurts because it reminds me that Lucy is not here, as if we need that reminder, right? And it hurts, because I feel like I am running away from my healing, and taking back what I have already laid at God's feet. I immediately feel like I have taken ten leaps backwards, and any little progress is out the window. Earlier this week, I received a sweet pick-me-up note that simply said this:

The moment we can finally trade our "why" for a "Who," the rest of our journey changes.

I am SO ready for my journey to change!  I am so ready to give all of this to God and ready to stop letting my human self understand things that are bigger than I can comprehend. I am ready to stop running from my fears of losing another child, and ready to build myself up enough to continue adding to our family.

A perfectly-timed prayer from my daily devotional today:

Heavenly Father, I am ready to change my "why" for You. Lord, thank You than even when I run away, You pursue my heart and never let me go. Please continue to show me Your love today and every day. It is in Your Precious Name I pray, Amen.  

Proud Mommy Moments

So I have to brag on my Dominic for a bit. He is 8 years old and just such a special special kid! This summer he has attended a summer day camp and has had a blast every single day. This morning, they are headed to a local water park, full of fun and excitement, and lazy rivers, and dips and slides and tubes... and WATER! My Dominic can swim, but I would not say that he is the strongest swimmer. I was hesitant to let him go. Terrified that something was going to happen to him, all I could think was I cannot have something happen to another one of my babies! Again, letting this fear take over me.  We talked about how much he wanted to go, and the decision was made that he will participate. I put everything in God's hands and signed his permission slip.

On to my proud mommy moment:

This morning as I dropped him off, I got him all checked in, made sure he was set with his lunch, some spending money for a treat, towel, water bottle, sunscreen, water shoes, change of clothes, check, check, and double-triple check. I sat myself down on this blue stage, trying to mustered up the courage to leave. He was standing in front of me, and I asked him to pray with me. He took my hands in his, with his head bowed and his eyes closed, we prayed. In this room full of his peers, my baby boy and I prayed! I was so proud of this simple moment. We prayed for God to have his hands around him and all the campers. To be with the counselors as they took on this responsibility today with ALL of our babies. We prayed for everyone to have a joyous time, to remember to be respectful and mindful of eachother, and for them all to return home safely this afternoon. I looked at my baby boy for him to close our prayer, and he said, "Jesus, please let my mom have a good day today and not worry about me because YOU are with me right now, to protect me like You always do, and You are watching over me. Amen."

 "AMEN!"

Oh yeah, you know I was in tears when I walked out of there. The most important message for every day for every situation for every person out there. So simple, yet so complex! Today WILL be a blessed day! I love this boy! I love my handsome witty and smart little man! I love that he has come to know Christ Jesus at such an early age. I love that I am his mommy and I love how proud he makes me every moment of every day.

 Let's all remember Dommy's prayer this morning, wise beyond his 8 little years. Remember, whatever circumstances you are faced with, whatever season you are experiencing right now. Remember you dont have to worry because God is with you in your "water park" today and every day. Praying for a blessed day for each and every one of you!

Love,

me.

Miracles and Mishaps

So last Friday was Eric's birthday. It is still such a rough time to celebrate, but we made the best of the weekend ahead. We went to the cemetery to take some fresh flowers to Lucy's grave. We stop off for some beautiful yellow roses on our way there. We get there just as the grounds crew was laying Lucy's permanent marker. I dont even think I let Eric fully stop the car before I grabbed my camera phone and made a dash to see this. 

What a blessing it was for us to catch this moment. Her marker was not due to be finished until mid-August or September. And the families aren't contacted until days after the piece has been set. So we were so happy to have been there to see this. We stayed a while and watched the men work. They both were so kind and asked how Lucy passed. One of the men shared he had also lost a baby when his wife was six months pregnant, also due to the baby's heart. They told us they were sorry for our loss and then one of the men went back to their work truck and brought out some water to pour in Lucy's vase. He said, to help the flowers live a little longer. Oh, these hard working men with their hearts full of gold!

They left us there, at Lucy's grave, now adorned with her new marker. Eric and I stood silent for a bit and waited for the water on her marker to dry. I took a few more pictures and then we went back to the car to wait for it to dry completely to get a good photo. As we sat in the car, we were flipping through the pictures in the phone, holding back tears, this is just so painful still.

Eric looked a bit closer at one of the photos and found there was a typo!! The marker said MAR 19, 2011. Lucy passed on MAY 19, 2011. I ran back out to the marker to see if it was just a bad photo, but sure enough the marker read MAR. I frantically started flipping through old emails to find the draft that we were sent for approval. There it was, plain as day MAR 19, 2011. How did we do this? How did we not see the date was wrong? Sophie's birthday is in March, Lucy's birthday is in May! How did I sign something so important without noticing. I stared at the drafts for hours when they were first emailed to us.  It just didn't make any sense to me that this happened.

I was devastated. My heart hurt so badly. How could I let my tiny dancer down? This little thing I had to do for her, and I messed it up! Eric tried to comfort me, tried to console me and get me to calm down, but I was done. I was so completely done with this nightmare, and all of the bad news, and Lucy's heart being so sick, and done with losing my baby girl, and the heartache, and the pain, and the loss, and the emptiness. I was DONE. I want off of this ride, I want it to stop right now.

I kept thinking, there's a reason they say "set in stone". It's permanent. She's gone. It's done. This happened, and there is no turning back. Lucy is gone, the stone is wrong... and Lucy is gone. I think this is probably the most raw I have ever felt. The darkest ugliest truth of it... my baby was born, she defied all of these odds, and then just like that, she was gone. It's not supposed to happen this way.

This feeling that I failed my Lucy haunted me for the rest of the weekend. I just prayed and prayed for resolution so we could move forward again. I wanted to hide the error, I wanted to remove the stone and not let anyone see what I had done. But really, who would I be hiding this from? I sat there in prayer and thought of all the "typo's" I've made in my life. All the mistakes, the times I have strayed from God. All the moments I should have been living to honor Him more. Who am I hiding those things from? He sees it all, He knows it all. He loves me, still.  

He knew this moment was going to happen; Lucy was going to bless our lives for 19 minutes, she was then going to leave us, and we would have to pull through. He knew we were going to be emotionally devastated, and wanted us to lean on Him for support. He knew again the day I signed that draft, that I would need comfort on the day I realized my mistake. And he was there for me, strong and loving Father, who catches me when I fall.  

We decided immediately, either they will be able to fix the typo. Fill in the letter and recut. Or Lucy is getting a brand new marker. End of story.  We are still not at a place where we can sit back and laugh about the mistake, but we will get there. We are however, at a place where we know we can get through this and that Christ, our Father is with us every step of the way.

My prayer for you today is to go to Him with your "typo's", be open and honest with Him and put it out there for Him to see you are ready for His helping hands. Let Him show you to it and let Him carry you through it, and I pray that you will feel that lightened load when you no longer have it all on your shoulders alone. I pray all of this in His name, Amen.



Should read: MAY 19, 2011


for now, Lucy's marker reads:

Lucia Faith

MONTOYA

MAR 19, 2011

Lucy

Tiny Dancer

(set of babyfeet)

Two Months Later

my sweet Lucy

Two months ago, we were sitting in our hospital room, showering our baby girl with kisses and prayers. We were singing lullabies, and we read her first and last bedtime story. We were trying to take in every moment we had with her, trying to take mental pictures and memories of her tiny features, her scent, her sounds, we didnt want to miss a thing.

Now, two months later, as we are trying to still piece our lives back together, it is more and more evident that things will never be as they were. There is a part of our family that will be forever missing, a part of our family that lives now in heaven.

I find myself daydreaming about Lucy all the time. I wonder what she would be like now, maybe sleeping through the night by this time like her brother and sister did. I wonder if she would have milk allergies like Dominic, or be a big eater like her sister. Or if she would be responding to our voices and music like she did in the womb. I wonder if she would have filled in Sophie's hand me down onesies and if she'd allow me to put the hugest bows in her hair like her sister did. I imagine us taking her on our runs in the evening, or cuddling up and falling asleep on the couch. Or I picture her bassinet in my bedroom, where I would wait up to feed her again. I dream about rocking her to sleep in the nursery, and having to sit a certain way so it doesnt creak and wake her like I used to with Sophie. I can sit all day and dream and dream about all that never came to be.

I can easily see how these thoughts could consume me, and sometimes they do. I miss her so much. I miss everything about her. And we are trying, collectively, our family is trying to get through the days... with medication, and prayer, and counseling and support groups, and family, and friends, and more prayer, and we try so hard! I try so very hard but the pain is, well its indescribable. The emptiness, the feeling of just being out of place, like the whole world is carrying on in this dance, but I am just always a couple beats off.

But then there are the other times, that I am just at peace in my memories of Lucy. For the teeny tiny bit that I got to be Lucy's mommy here on earth, that gives me so much to look forward to in heaven. I am so amazed how this little tiny baby impacted our lives and showed us so much about our faith and our Father. I have learned so much about myself and my Father through my suffering and loss. I am inspired, and so thirsty to learn more. I read early on in my pregnancy, when we first learned of Lucy's complications, a bible verse that has stuck with me for months and months.

"I have refined you, but not in the way silver is refined. But rather, I have refined you in the furnace of suffering." Isaiah 48:10

Please God, continue to work in me, refining me through this journey, and building me up again. It has only been two months into our journey, God, and I pray to honor You in my grief and that I can handle these days with grace and continue to grow closer to You.  I pray for healing, God, for myself and my family, now and the days to come. Amen.

Capturing This and That

So, for my birthday, my sweet sweet husband gifted a cool new Nikon D3100. He'd been planning it for a while and completely caught me by surprise! Now, I know nothing about photography, but am finding all these neat features.... and having loads of fun annoying the kids and snapping shots.  Here's a couple shots from a backyard picnic we shared earlier this week. Clearly, they are less than pleased about daddy's purchase!

rainbows and sweet sentiments

Dom & Soph devouring their rainbow cupcakes!

So,  I've been wanting to share this for a while now, and my kiddos reminded me again at our picnic today. We were having a great conversation about the drought and rain and, anyway Dominic was reminiscing about when a friend of ours brought these beautiful rainbow cupcakes to us. At first, they were just beautiful cupcakes, and delicious at that! But then I read her card:

And God Said, This is the sign of the covenant I am making between me and you and every living creature with you, a covenant for all generations to come; i have set my rainbow in the clouds and it will be the sign of the covenant between me and earth. ~Genesis 9:12-13

I hope you are reminded of God's Love and promises every time you see a rainbow!

Of course, needless to say, I will never look at another rainbow (or rainbow cupcake) the same. This reminded me though, that there are so many other simple reminders all around us of God's love. He gives us the gifts of these "little things", the rainbows, the ocean waves crashing against our skin, feeling the grass between your toes, or the breezes, watching the clouds float by on a lazy day with the kids that reminds us He is all around. We are in the midst of trying to heal after the loss of our Lucy, but its these little reminders, the rainbows, that assure me of His love and that is more than enough to keep me going until we are reunited with our sweet girl one day. 

My prayer is for all of us to find our rainbow today. Amen.

(Photos I snagged from our friend of the sweet cupcakes she made!)

I miss you.

That is all. Nothing deep or insightful, just really missing you today. Trying my best to put on a happy face, but days like today make it hard. Love you, sweet Lucy.

Mommy.

Father's Day

This year, Father's Day will be bitter sweet. Though it marks a day we get to celebrate his crazy awesomeness as a daddy, it also marks one month our Lucy has been in Heaven. Though the kids and I will do our best to make Father's Day special for him, we all know Lucy will be on our minds and our hearts. (*I'll post a rundown of the festivities later-- I don't want to ruin any surprises for Dad.)


A friend wrote a blog recently about how father's often get forgotten about when a family suffers a loss of a baby. This is so painfully true. Most of the time, the focus is on mom, and how she is coping, healing, dealing.  Dads feel pain, without a doubt. Eric has been amazing through everything, but just because he is functioning, doesn't mean he isn't hurting.  I admire his strength, his positive attitude, his ability to pick me up when I am weak. I admire his incredible faith in Christ. I admire his love for our family and his dedication to our healing.

But more so, I admire his vulnerability and his real emotions. I love that he shares his heartache over Lucy with me, and doesn't keep his feelings secret. Never has he tried to portray himself as 'above' the hurt that we've experienced. I love that we are in this together, and our bond has never been stronger. I love how he gives our family, our hurt, our loss, our marriage to God and turns to Him for guidance. I love how great he is with the kids and I love how much they love him. The basics, I love my husband and I know he is going through all that I am feeling and more! I pray to be as much a help to his healing as he has been to me.

Lucy is and always will be daddy's little angel and have his whole heart, just like Dom and Sophie. For sure, God knew what he was doing when he gave me this man, and I am so grateful to have him leading our family and joyfully celebrate him this Father's Day. 

We miss Lucy dearly, but we find comfort in knowing even though she cant be in mine and Eric's arms this Father's Day, our Heavenly Father is wrapping HIS big daddy arms around her and all the other babies that are with him on this day and every day until we are with her... he is wrapping his love around all of us, too!  We rejoice in these truths and can't wait for that day.

Glory Baby, by Watermark. 

(*video says its a tribute to moms?? I'd like to add, this should be a tribute to daddies, too!)

One Mommy's Cry

I had a little outing on my own today. Eric was working. Sophie spent the morning with Grandma, Dom went to an Astro's Game with his summer day camp. I had a stop for some coffee, ran some errands, met a friend for lunch.  At some points in there, things felt somewhat normal, i welcome normal, it was nice to feel some normal.

Now, in the middle of all that, I went to the cemetery to leave a little bit of sunshine at Lucy's grave. When I walked up I saw a few other flower arrangements, one of those Styrofoam silk flower/cross things you'd see at a funeral. The wind had knocked some things over, so I started fixing things, picking them up and putting arrangements back together... Naturally, all that time I was cleaning this up, I was wondering who had been by to visit Lucy's grave and leave all this. Lots of pink ribbon, and butterflies, beautiful little butterflies! Then it happened- I picked up a spray of flowers that had turned over and I saw that a baby had just been buried right next to Lucy. Of course, breakdown immediately followed. How could I not have seen that? These things are not here for Lucy, but from this other baby's funeral. Where was my mind? Why didn't I see this other tiny grave right next to Lucy? I fell to my knees, just sobbing for this baby girl. I prayed for her mommy and daddy. I started wondering if this was something that happened suddenly. Was this an older infant? What happened? Was she sick? Was there an accident?

I looked around the cemetery, at all the markers for all the babies. All the wind chimes, the flowers, the toy cars, the trinkets... how many babies, how many stories... how many tears have mommies shed in this very spot that I am kneeling in?

Needless to say it took me a while to pull it together, wondering why the heck would I think I was ready to come to the cemetery alone. But I did. I was there, alone and I needed to get it together and when I did, I spent my quiet time with God at that cemetery, in that very spot, still on my knees from my initial fall. Praying to God to pour out some peace, for not only myself but for all of these mommies that have shed tears in that very same spot. I didn't pray to understand why... I really don't need to understand it. I KNOW it's all part of His plan, and His work, and I don't need to question that.

So instead, I asked him What? What do I do now and how do I get through this? What do I do with this ugly, raw painful heartache...What do I do with this hurt, and HOW can I use this to glorify you, Lord? I continue to pray for you to work in me, and to work through me... BIG.  Amen.

June 7th

Lucy's Bright Yellow Sunflowers

Today would have marked Lucy's 40 weeks... her 'due date'. It is hard to believe all that has happened in the past couple of weeks. We have been so numb to everything going on around us, still.  Late this morning, we went to the cemetery. We brought 5 sunflowers, one for each member of our family and a butterfly balloon.

So, it has not rained here in forever and as we pull into the cemetery, the rain started. I needed this. I took that opportunity to breathe, to give thanks to God for this baby we are remembering today, to pray He continue to help us grow and heal.

I am so glad we went there all together as a family. I needed Eric so much to get through this visit. I needed his reminders and his kind spirit. It's just her body, Lucy is not here. Our baby is in Heaven.  I needed him when Dominic said he wondered what Lucy was doing right now. What a blessing this man is to our family. He had the perfect words and handled it beautifully.  She's probably dancing around and playing in heaven, baby.

We were happy to see Lucy's temporary marker was placed on her grave. Her permanent marker will not be ready for months, so we were happy to have that marking placed their for the time being.

While we were out there, the same thoughts kept running through my head.

Suffering can bring out JOY. Rejoice in this suffering. And find JOY in everything.
(It was from Pastor Brandon's message from this Sunday.)

Suffering the loss of a child is a difficult time to find joy. And I am not saying that I am joyful about our loss, but I AM joyful in the fact that our baby girl is safe and sound with our Father, and joyful in the fact that we will be reunited again and joyful in the blessing Lucy has been in our lives. 

giving kisses to his sister

kissies to her sister, too :)

 I'd like to share these verses with you and I pray that whatever trials you are going through right now, no matter how big or how small, that you will adhere to God's Word, find comfort in Him, and that these verses are as helpful to you as they are for me.  Every day, every moment that we are faced with is an opportunity to rejoice, to praise God, and to find joy.

Nehemiah 8:10 “...the joy of the Lord is your strength.”

John 16:22 “...and your joy no one will take from you.”

James 1:2 “My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials,...”

Psalms 16:11 “You will show me the path of life; In Your presence is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore.”

Psalms 30:5 “...Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning.”

  

We love you, sweet Lucy.

A Celebration of Lucy's Life

On Tuesday, May 24, 2011, we celebrated Lucy's life. The funeral was just breathtaking and looking back on it, I don't know how it all came together.  The plants, the flowers, the photos, Lucy's blanket, her "Little Sister" onesie she wore at the hospital, her baby shoes from our maternity photo session, everything was in its place.  My sister brought Lucy 19 long stemmed white roses, simply elegant. We displayed her footprints and handprints in a white frame that now hangs in our bedroom. Little memories of our tiny dancer spread throughout the chapel. Over the past week Eric and I have just been going through the motions, its all still so surreal. Our family and friends have been amazing through all of this. Your support has gotten us through some hard days. I hadn't even thought of this until writing this blog, but the day of her funeral would have marked her 38th week. Tuesdays have been so symbolic for us, standing for another week that Lucy defied the odds. It's on this 38th Tuesday that we celebrate our daughter, dancing with her Father in Heaven. Dance on, my tiny dancer, my sweet girl, you are all healed and safe and we will be with you again.

Pastor John Davis from our church officiated the ceremony. He made this a beautiful service. His message spoke to our hearts and although we are so saddened that we were at a funeral for our infant daughter, his words were so comforting and it was absolutely perfect. 

Two of our friends, Ben Donnelly and Gretchen Griffin each sang for our sweet Lucy. Gretchen sang Chris Tomlin- I Will Rise, and Ben sang, David Crowder- How He Loves. I dont know how they managed to get through this. I couldnt even watch them without crying, so I have no idea how they got the words out and sang so beautifully.  Eric and I were both so touched that they would do this, they are both talented and amazing and an absolute joy to hear their gifts as they are glorifying God. This was also so fitting for our Lucy because one of the memories we will always have of Lucy was how she danced about when she would hear the praise and worship belting through our church. My baby girl, praising Jesus since day one.

Friendswood Police Department, thank you for showing your support and for arranging everything for the procession. It is an honor to work with such great men and women and it was a wonderful feeling to have your support during this time.  Thank you Lisa, and Mrs. Patro for designing and dedicating a gorgeous piece of jewelry from Ace's line for our Lucy. Words cannot express, really.

Greg and Pauletta Jeter, Jeter Funeral Home, and Scott with Forest Park Cemetary East, thank you for making this service special and unique to our Lucia Faith. Thank you for being so kind during this difficult time and for honoring all of our wishes for our sweet girl. You all were so wonderful to us.  

Our church contacted us over the weekend after Lucy passed. I couldnt bring myself to make it to church that Sunday morning, so we watched service online at home. Sometime after 2nd or 3rd service my phone rings and its from the church. Keri Oujeski from our church contacted us to arrange for a reception to be held following the funeral/burial. We hadnt even thought this far yet. Well, we did, but we just didnt know how or where, or what we were going to do, so her phone call was a blessing, complete with perfect timing. A ministry within our church "Our Daily Bread", planned out a complete reception. The ministry is made up of volunteers who each bring a dish and there are others who were there to serve and clean up afterwards. We had no idea this ministry existed within our church, and we told Keri right then and there, she officially had 2 new members on her team. The biggest gift of all of it was for as long as I can remember, anytime there has been a family gathering, my mom and all of her siblings, or Eric's mom and all of her siblings, were running around and gathering, pouring, changing, cleaning, packaging, serving, running, going...going...going... and never got a chance to visit or breathe! I remember very little about the day of the funeral, or the burial, or the reception. But I remember standing in front of a large table filled with my mom and her siblings and yet another with Eric's family and both tables- they were laughing, comforting, enjoying each other. Thank you, New Hope Church for giving us that gift. 

There are so many people I want to thank, and so many things I want to share, but the central key is this: In some way or another you honored my Lucy, and you touched my family's heart by your prayers, your gestures, your thoughts, your kind words, your poetry, your sentiments. We are forever grateful that you are here with us on this journey, and we want to you know we love you, and He loves you. 

Thank you.

 

This is the video we shared at her funeral, and we wanted to share it with you. The song used in this video is by Selah, and the song is titled, "I Will Carry You". It is written by Angie and Todd Smith. The song is about their daughter Audrey, with a story very similar to Lucy's.

Lucy's Birthday

On the morning of May 19th our sweet Lucia Faith was born and lived a glorious 19 minutes until she took her last breath in mommy and daddy’s arms. This is longer than any doctor expected her to be here, and we are so grateful for that priceless time that will stay in our hearts forever.  We are so thankful that our family was able to meet Lucy, and thankful for the many memories we were able to create in the short time she was here.  Instantly, when we saw Lucy, Eric and I both said she resembles so much of her big sister, Sophie. Thank you Lord for this treasure. We find comfort in seeing Lucy in her big sister; this is His soothing gift of peace knowing she will always be in our family.

Everything about Lucy’s short life was graceful. Her labor was quick and it was peaceful. Her heart beat so strong and constant throughout our labor.  My little girl held on, our little Lucy surprised these doctors through and through.  When she arrived, there was instant silence, the entire room held their breath as the doctors detected her heartbeat. My Lucia was here! Her little body was so pink, so perfect, so delicate. Her head full of dark brown wavy hair, each strand lay perfectly placed on her head. Her little button nose and her big beautiful dark eyes, her tiny little mouth, her big pink cheeks I must have kissed every inch of this girl a hundred times. Her perfect little hands and feet, oh Lucy, we love you so.  Even her breathing, so light and she let out the slightest little sound, as if just to let us know she was here. We loved her, all of us, her whole family; we made that known to her for every portion of every second she was with us. 

We knew her heart was slowing, but there was so much joy within our hearts as we celebrated the sheer miracle of her birth.  And then just like that, as gracious as her entrance into this world, with no pain, no hurt, she went to sleep and woke up safely in the arms of our Heavenly Father.  She woke with her Father, healed and complete. Her heart was no longer deteriorating, it was whole and she was made well.

Lucy,

Thank you, my tiny dancer. Thank you for holding on for so long. Thank you for being so strong and so brave and for teaching me so much in the short time you were here.  Thank you for letting us meet you, and feel your breath on my face. Thank you for wrapping your little hand around my finger and not letting go. Thank you for the blessing you have been to this family. Thank you for letting me carry you and cuddle you for 37 weeks, and then giving me another 19 minutes after your birth. Thank you for all of those moments we shared together. Thank you for all the kicks, the butterflies, the comfort, sweet Lucy- Thank you for dancing for mommy. Thank you for being my daughter and letting me love you. 

Thank you for living in my heart forever.

Love,       

Mommy

I thank you, Lord, for giving me peace, for giving me strength, for this journey, for healing my Lucy.

A Bit of Sophie



For the life of us, we do not know what this poor koala did to deserve a time-out, but at least she provided him with a snack, right?

 Reading books with her daddy, this technique is also know to many as "avoiding naptime". Some of her favorites: Goodnight Moon, Are You Ticklish?, ALL THINGS by Eric Carle or Dr. Seuss, anything about babies, animals... and baby animals.

After book number 17 or so, she moved on to Spanish.

 Here's a snapshot we caught on the day she decided she will now go by Sophie Grace instead of plain ol' Sophie. In this photo, "Sophie, do you like to smile?"..."No. Sophie Grace won't smile."

We love you, Sophie Grace,  and we thank you daily for keeping us on our tippy-tippy-tippy-toes :)

37 Weeks, He said to her, “Talitha koum!”

Today our litte twinkle toes, our tiny dancer is a whole 37 weeks. Our baby girl is full term! This morning I prayed for all the of doctors who are involved with her arrival, I prayed that they not lose hope, or give up on her, and that they grow in faith after seeing the miracles that have already been performed in our sweet girl. 

And how perfectly fitting; in one of the devotionals I follow, today was on Mark 5:

 ²¹ When Jesus had again crossed over by boat to the other side of the lake, a large crowd gathered around him while he was by the lake. ²² Then one of the synagogue leaders, named Jairus, came, and when he saw Jesus, he fell at his feet. ²³ He pleaded earnestly with him, “My little daughter is dying. Please come and put your hands on her so that she will be healed and live.” ²⁴ So Jesus went with him.
   A large crowd followed and pressed around him. ²⁵ And a woman was there who had been subject to bleeding for twelve years. ²⁶ She had suffered a great deal under the care of many doctors and had spent all she had, yet instead of getting better she grew worse. ²⁷ When she heard about Jesus, she came up behind him in the crowd and touched his cloak, ²⁸ because she thought, “If I just touch his clothes, I will be healed.” ²⁹ Immediately her bleeding stopped and she felt in her body that she was freed from her suffering.
 ³⁰ At once Jesus realized that power had gone out from him. He turned around in the crowd and asked, “Who touched my clothes?”
 ³¹ “You see the people crowding against you,” his disciples answered, “and yet you can ask, ‘Who touched me?’ ”
 ³² But Jesus kept looking around to see who had done it. ³³ Then the woman, knowing what had happened to her, came and fell at his feet and, trembling with fear, told him the whole truth. ³⁴ He said to her, “Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace and be freed from your suffering.”
 ³⁵ While Jesus was still speaking, some people came from the house of Jairus, the synagogue leader. “Your daughter is dead,” they said. “Why bother the teacher anymore?”

 ³⁶ Overhearing^[c] what they said, Jesus told him, “Don’t be afraid; just believe.”

 ³⁷ He did not let anyone follow him except Peter, James and John the brother of James. ³⁸ When they came to the home of the synagogue leader, Jesus saw a commotion, with people crying and wailing loudly. ³⁹ He went in and said to them, “Why all this commotion and wailing? The child is not dead but asleep.” ⁴⁰ But they laughed at him.
   After he put them all out, he took the child’s father and mother and the disciples who were with him, and went in where the child was. ⁴¹ He took her by the hand and said to her, “Talitha koum!” (which means “Little girl, I say to you, get up!”). ⁴² Immediately the girl stood up and began to walk around (she was twelve years old). At this they were completely astonished. ⁴³ He gave strict orders not to let anyone know about this, and told them to give her something to eat.


How powerful, (Jairus' plead to Jesus), "My little daughter is dying. Please come and put your hands on her so that she will be healed and live.”  I believe this for Lucy, I believe she will be healed by her maker, whether it is here or in heaven. I know our Father will say to my sweet Lucy, "Talitha Koum!" And she will get up, and be freed from her sickness.

My sweet, sweet Lucy-
Happy 37 weeks, my tiny dancer. Thank you for being extra alert and awake for us this morning and letting your little light shine bright. We celebrate you today, and cannot wait to meet you!

Love, Mommy

A Facebook Fast

*This is a repost of a (portion of) blog we had posted last week when Blogger was experiencing some technical glitches. It is about our decision to fast until our Lucia Faith makes her grand entrance. Breathe-- I am doing a partial fast and following all of my doctors recommendations.*

Now, 21 days, done. Twenty-one days of prayer and twenty one days of strengthening my focus on God.

So fasting, by definition, is always about food. It is about restricting food for a spiritual purpose (Hebrew). Fasting is about abstaining from food. (Greek). But what about all of those other things, those strong holds that occupy my time? What good would a fast be if you werent taking those moments to reflect or turn to God? I sat there and really thought about this one. What is something that I do on a continual basis that takes my time away from growing closer to God? You're right-- Housework!! :)

Ok, really-- Facebook. Or any other mindless "escape" that I get myself caught up in. My USweekly magazine, or celebrity gossip website, staying up an extra hour to catch the end of TMZ, to find out who the paparazzi ran into where, and WHO are they dating now... wait, wait, and more importantly, what were they wearing?!? I laughed as I thought about all of this. Really? Is THIS going to affect me more than food restriction? Me? The justifier of increasing our dining-out budget because I just HAVE to have Chuy's one more time this week or... I. Will. Just. Die.

But it is. It is affecting me. A couple days into this journey and I am profoundly affected by the scripture I have read, and the clarity I have found in prayer, and the in-depth conversations I have experience with my husband hearing about his experiences in his journey already. In addition to his partial fast, he has commited to a full fast, restricting all food and water every week when Lucy is to reach her new milestone. What I admire most about this man and his journey is you would never know he was fasting by looking at him. This sacrifice he is making to go to his Father in prayer for his baby girl, it simply takes my breath away. I thought of him, and prayed for him as I read this out of Matthew 6 this morning:

 ¹⁶ “When you fast, do not look somber as the hypocrites do, for they disfigure their faces to show others they are fasting. Truly I tell you, they have received their reward in full. ¹⁷ But when you fast, put oil on your head and wash your face, ¹⁸ so that it will not be obvious to others that you are fasting, but only to your Father, who is unseen; and your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you."

The blog went on a little past here, and followed with prayer for our daughter, prayer for this fast, and prayer for our journey. We are now in our second week of the fast, and even more excited now to see what is in store!

Tomorrow... Lucy's 37th week marker!

36 Weeks, and Counting

This morning, over breakfast, our Lucy was dancing for her daddy. Yesterday evening, Sophie attacked her with freezing water from the sprinkler and she wiggled and jumped about. And last night, as I sat out on the back patio with all three of my babies, Dom came across and gave her a big brother hug and sweet kisses and told her he loved her. I could spend every one of my days like this.

Happy 36 weeks, my Lucia Faith. I cannot wait to hold you in my arms!

Love you,

Mommy

May 31st

We had another doctor's appointment today. Lucy is a little over 35 weeks, measuring pretty small, heart is still the same, although we had a few weird things going on with her heartbeat today. Her kidneys are still a concern, as are the unknowns about her lungs, still watching the fluid collection (hydrops) but our baby girl is still hanging on.

I was sad after the ultrasound because we didnt get a 3d peek at our baby. We had a new tech, and she seemed a bit nervous (I think she assumed we didnt know about everything she was seeing in her scan already). So a doctor would walk in, they would whisper, they'd walk out, tech would come back, another doctor in, more whispering, hand me a towel to dry off my goopy belly and then more whispering, walking out, doctor walks in, "OK Mr and Mrs Montoya, we are just seeing more of the same, your exam room is ready now." (insert smile and head tilt and off we go to our exam room.)

So here is a call for all of our prayer warriors.

Lucy and I have an induction date, May 31st. Please please please (please please) pray for Lucy. Pray for her to make it to this date. We want so badly to meet our precious baby girl, my tiny dancer, and hold her in our arms. I want to breathe her in and gaze into her eyes. I want her to meet her big brother and sister.  I want that image of this tiny baby cradled in her daddy's hands for that very first time. I want to see her squirms and wiggles and kicks, and catch a vision of what I have been feeling for months. I want her little hands wrapped around my pinky. I want to memorize every part of her tiny being. I want to brush through her wavy dark hair and kiss those adorable chubby cheeks we've been peeking at for months.

During the time that the doctor was talking to us about inducing @ 39 weeks, I froze. It made it all seem so final. Lucy is not going to be safely placed away in my womb forever, we are going to have to "deal".  It was at that moment, something that one of the beautiful girls in our Care Group said this week during our study was singing to my heart. She echoed a portion of our current Beth Moore Study and said, God gave us in our flesh the blessing of motherhood and children so we could catch a glimpse of how much He loves us. I LOVE Lucia SO much. I love the things I know of her already.  I love how she calms when I sway back and forth. How she dances around when she hears her siblings or her daddy nearby. And how she's a little shy with others. She likes fruit, and juice, and the smell of peppermint. She's a night owl. She shares my love for good music! She shares Sophia's sweet smile. She has a big heart, she has lots of things that make her special, some things that keep doctors on their toes. My Lucy is going to make her entrance into this world memorable. My Lucy, I love her more than I could ever express. I love her so much when I think of all the things I could potentially miss about her growing up, I ache. I love her so much that I would trade places with her in a heartbeat. And the part that kept echoing to me during this office visit is...

GOD loves me, he loves all of us, more than THAT! 

He loves me so much that HE doesnt leave my side during this or any other time in my life. 

He loves me so much that HE has blessed me with peace in a way that does not make any sense.

He loves me so much that HE chose me to be a mom to Lucy Sophie and Dom, to care for HIS precious gifts.

He loves me so much that HE watched HIS son die on a cross.

We ask everyone to join us in our prayerful countdown to Lucy's arrival. Gather your prayer friends and your prayer warriors and please share. Please pray over the timing. Please pray over Lucia's tiny body and her big beautiful heart. Please pray over the doctors (Doctor Kase, Doctor Monga, and any other doctors involved in her arrival). Please pray over the staff, please pray for peace concerning Lucy with my family (My mom, my sisters Delia and Edna, Eric's Parents Mirtha and Beto, his siblings Debbie Elda Mark and Josh), please pray for understanding with our kids of whatever is to come... Please pray for everyone who reads our prayer for our daughter to know, no matter what happens with Lucia Faith, His love endures forever. 

"The Lord will fulfill His purpose for me; His love endures forever." Psalm 138:8

Team Lucy's Light Marches for Babies 2011

March for Babies Team Lucy's Light 2011 "This Little Light of Mine"

I have been struggling the past couple of days to post a blog about our March of Dimes experience. Not out of lack of desire, but because I cannot find the words to express how proud we are of this team, and I cannot find the words to express the gratitude we feel towards everyone who joined us, who walked with us, who donated to March of Dimes, who spread the word about the team, who prayed for baby Lucy.

Grandma, Aunt Dee Dee, Tia Nita, Daddy/Mommy, Dom, Sophie *and baby Lucy

So I say, simply, Thank You, We love you all and we hope you join us again next year!

Reba and Sophie showing off their tutu's

That morning, our early bird walkers met up to take this team picture. There were so many teams there! I think I heard somewhere around 40,000 registered walkers. Our team was made up of approximately 80 walkers who came out that morning. (And here I thought, I didn't even KNOW 80 people!) We were made up of family, even family that traveled to be here just for the event, our friends, our CARE group, coworkers, former coworkers, people who heard about Lucy's Light through friends of friends of friends... These super troopers raised over $7,000 for March of Dimes!

Lucy's Grandma & Grandpa with our Montoya Family showing support

Lucy's Light started because we wanted to do something meaningful, something positive in the midst of everything that was going on with Lucy at the time. When we started this team, we had the idea that our immediate families would walk with us, maybe a team of 10, and we'd collect maybe 500 bucks, tops.  We had no idea this team would take off the way that it did, or that so many people would support this wonderful cause with us. We were blown away by the contributions and the prayers and the encouragement that started pouring in immediately after starting the team.

We have been so blessed to meet other family teams this year. These graceful families that shared a bit of their babies with us made it a million times more real. I see these families who have already experienced their loss, these same families that encourage us to keep fighting for Lucy, and the ones that tell us never to give up.  These parents, they take my breath away. So inspirational, each of them offering so much hope, all of them just strengthening my faith in God.

One grandmother tells me her daughter's baby was given the same prognosis as Lucy, yet they were able to spend an entire week with their sweet baby before she passed. She talked to me about all the family that was able to meet their baby and the memories they made. I want this for Lucy, I want this for our families.  This grandmother isnt alone, so many parents shared similar stories with us. So many families spoke to me with such peace.

He brings them peace, they bring my comfort, He calls me closer to Him. 

This walk has changed me... has encouraged me to go bigger next year. I want to raise more money and meet more families and make an impact, in honor of our little Lucy. I write this blog on the day that marks Lucy's 35th week, and no matter what is written for Lucy, or how many more days/weeks we have left, Lucy's Light will shine for March of Dimes for years and years to come. 

Thank you again, team Lucy's Light-- we hope to see you all again next year!

The Things We Can Learn From Our Kids

Jr. Camera-Man, Dominic @ March for Babies

If my children remember anything of their childhood when they are all grown up, they will remember we went ALL OUT for birthdays. I love celebrating my babies! One year, Dominic wanted to keep his decorations up all month... we went even further and kept them up for about until Christmas (over 6 months!). When Dom was one, we coined the term, Domapalooza. Domapalooza happens in stages. There is the Classroom Party, the Family Birthday Dinner (With Aunt Dee Dee, Grandma and Tia 'Nita), the ACTUAL Birthday Party, the Dominic's-Day-of-Fun-on-his-Birthday-Day, and then usually a little something extra with just Mom, Dad, Sophie (and baby Lucia).  

I love celebrating these kids, because it is just as much a celebration for us as it is for them. We celebrate the fact that we were chosen as parents, that these children are gifts from God, that they are more precious than any other achievement, and well, we REALLY like birthday cake! 

I've written before about Dominic being an extra special kid. And this year's birthday, he amazed me once again. Dominic chose to celebrate his birthday-day @ Chic Fil A to support Tyson vs. Cancer, an event put on for a member of our church who is battling cancer. He figured if everyone was going to get together for dinner on his birthday, we should go have dinner at Chic Fil A to contribute to this fundraiser. We had a great time, great company, great memories and great music. (And Sophie and I made off with a basket full of hair bows from an auction item!!)

I think the most special moment we shared at the event was when Lucy started rockin' out and Dominic felt her in my tummy. His eyes were so wide, and I smiled inside and out to picture my baby boy dancing with his little sister on his birthday. What a glorious moment!


My kiddo's got a big heart, and I am so happy that he is learning the importance of supporting genuine causes and helping others. I think this year, MOMMY received the biggest and best gift of all! 

March of Dimes Walk 2011

What an action packed weekend so far! We are so grateful for our family that traveled here from their busy lives to be part of team Lucy's Light tomorrow. We are so thankful for our team and everyone who contributed! We have raised around $6,750 for March of Dimes and couldn't feel any more accomplished for our first year!! Please pray for each and every family and each and every baby represented at the walk tomorrow... I will post photos and an update following the event! Oh, and photos of domapalooza 8 to come soon :) (happy birthday Dominic! Mommy loves you so so much!)

Lucy's Blanket

Lucy's Blanket: Soft pink mohair with Shetland lace border, perfect for a princess! A couple years ago, a friend and coworker's sweet wife made a beautiful and intricate baby blanket for our daughter, Sophia Grace. This blanket- really, I love it to pieces. So much so, that I was initially afraid for Sophie to use it because I didnt want it to get ruined. As an infant, Sophie used to run her fingers through the blanket and she loved the texture between her little hands. It is so soft and delicate, and I absolutely loved it.  Well this same wonderful lady was making another blanket for Lucy. We were so excited to find out what she would come up with to ever compete with Sophie's blanket!  We wondered later if she would still be making the blanket, because as we noticed with so many, this is something that is very awkward for people to discuss and many just avoid the subject of Lucy, or avoid us, all together. She wrote to me yesterday and shared the story of Lucy's blanket. This story touched my heart, this amazing experience from this wonderful woman of God!  She writes of challenges she faced when making the blanket, and how they seem to parallel Lucy herself. But the most touching part of this story is her perseverance, and the end result of this beautiful creation. Much like our Lucy, this gift we will hold in our hearts forever.  She writes:  "I had almost finished the center section of Lucy's blanket when we heard the first bit of bad news.  I was actually crocheting when David came home from work that day and told me what little he knew.  As a sort of act of faith, I finished the center section, praying for good health for Lucy and a mistaken test.When more bad news followed, I found it difficult to think about and put the blanket away.  I was afraid there would be a blanket but no baby." She explains how she later realized we were in our third trimester and she took the blanket out again. She tells me how she changed her approach to Lucy's blanket to that of a prayer blanket. She talks of how a prayer blanket's purpose is to wrap a person in love, to remind that person that God is with them and loves them, sheltering them as a blanket shelters us from cold. I read her words with tear filled eyes and imagined our Creator hands, as a blanket around my baby girl, sheltering her from pain, from any illnesses, from complications.  The I imagined our Savior blanketing us in his arms, protecting US from pain, from worry, I imagined my Father's blanket of peace wrapped around me. She then tells me about more and more problems she had with the blanket. This woman has made many a blanket, and has never experienced these problems on a project. As I am reading her words, I think of how the difficulties with the blanket were mirroring difficulties we were finding with Lucy, and how none of this situation made any sense to us. I remember this feeling of defeat... thinking, just stop already. Just stop with the bad news, and the finding of new problems, just stop. Finally with the frustration, she decided to put the blanket away. She writes of her return to the project:  When I returned to the blanket, I was surprised at how much I liked it.  The soft mohair yarn was comforting; and the pattern was quite pretty.  I couldn't remember what the big problem had been and returned to work with joy and many prayers.  I was still praying for a healthy baby; but more often my prayers were for peace and comfort for Lucy's family. A while later, David told me about Lucy's heart problems; and I added a few tears and another prayer:  freedom from pain. I LOVE the description she gives, about the finished blanket, about Lucy:  It has a soft beauty that makes me smile, just like Lucy.  "soft and delicate, and needing a little extra care."  What a perfect description of our Lucia Faith, "soft an delicate and needing a little extra care". I pray our little girl is here for years and years, so we can tell her of all the people Lucy has touched already, and of all the people that have helped carry her mommy and daddy through all of this. I heard in a song once, that life is short, but it is wide. How perfectly fitting for Lucy, however short her life may be, it is wide in that she has touched many and God is doing some amazing things through her.  The time, the effort, the tears, the prayers... all that have gone into the creation of this blanket means so much to me, and I will treasure it always, I cannot wait to wrap my princess in this blanket made with so much love!