This Grief Journey Dance

After Lucy's passing, I have focused on (very) few things. Blogging, unfortunately, has not been one of them. We started this blog for our family and friends and those that Lucy's little life had touched, as a way to get information about Lucy quickly, and, well, without having to talk about it, because typing was much easier than trying to get the words out.

This blog has now turned into a place to update others on our healing and little snippets about the joy we are rebuilding in our lives. I think of Lucy constantly, and I think I could log on every day and make an entry in the blog that would say this:

Dear Lucy, my tiny dancer,

My heart is aching and I long to be with you again.

I still dont get why you aren't with us now, sweet girl.

I love you,

Mommy.

But it hurts too much, to write that, to think it, to say it. It hurts because it reminds me that Lucy is not here, as if we need that reminder, right? And it hurts, because I feel like I am running away from my healing, and taking back what I have already laid at God's feet. I immediately feel like I have taken ten leaps backwards, and any little progress is out the window. Earlier this week, I received a sweet pick-me-up note that simply said this:

The moment we can finally trade our "why" for a "Who," the rest of our journey changes.

I am SO ready for my journey to change!  I am so ready to give all of this to God and ready to stop letting my human self understand things that are bigger than I can comprehend. I am ready to stop running from my fears of losing another child, and ready to build myself up enough to continue adding to our family.

A perfectly-timed prayer from my daily devotional today:

Heavenly Father, I am ready to change my "why" for You. Lord, thank You than even when I run away, You pursue my heart and never let me go. Please continue to show me Your love today and every day. It is in Your Precious Name I pray, Amen.