One Mommy's Cry

I had a little outing on my own today. Eric was working. Sophie spent the morning with Grandma, Dom went to an Astro's Game with his summer day camp. I had a stop for some coffee, ran some errands, met a friend for lunch.  At some points in there, things felt somewhat normal, i welcome normal, it was nice to feel some normal.

Now, in the middle of all that, I went to the cemetery to leave a little bit of sunshine at Lucy's grave. When I walked up I saw a few other flower arrangements, one of those Styrofoam silk flower/cross things you'd see at a funeral. The wind had knocked some things over, so I started fixing things, picking them up and putting arrangements back together... Naturally, all that time I was cleaning this up, I was wondering who had been by to visit Lucy's grave and leave all this. Lots of pink ribbon, and butterflies, beautiful little butterflies! Then it happened- I picked up a spray of flowers that had turned over and I saw that a baby had just been buried right next to Lucy. Of course, breakdown immediately followed. How could I not have seen that? These things are not here for Lucy, but from this other baby's funeral. Where was my mind? Why didn't I see this other tiny grave right next to Lucy? I fell to my knees, just sobbing for this baby girl. I prayed for her mommy and daddy. I started wondering if this was something that happened suddenly. Was this an older infant? What happened? Was she sick? Was there an accident?

I looked around the cemetery, at all the markers for all the babies. All the wind chimes, the flowers, the toy cars, the trinkets... how many babies, how many stories... how many tears have mommies shed in this very spot that I am kneeling in?

Needless to say it took me a while to pull it together, wondering why the heck would I think I was ready to come to the cemetery alone. But I did. I was there, alone and I needed to get it together and when I did, I spent my quiet time with God at that cemetery, in that very spot, still on my knees from my initial fall. Praying to God to pour out some peace, for not only myself but for all of these mommies that have shed tears in that very same spot. I didn't pray to understand why... I really don't need to understand it. I KNOW it's all part of His plan, and His work, and I don't need to question that.

So instead, I asked him What? What do I do now and how do I get through this? What do I do with this ugly, raw painful heartache...What do I do with this hurt, and HOW can I use this to glorify you, Lord? I continue to pray for you to work in me, and to work through me... BIG.  Amen.