Miracles and Mishaps

So last Friday was Eric's birthday. It is still such a rough time to celebrate, but we made the best of the weekend ahead. We went to the cemetery to take some fresh flowers to Lucy's grave. We stop off for some beautiful yellow roses on our way there. We get there just as the grounds crew was laying Lucy's permanent marker. I dont even think I let Eric fully stop the car before I grabbed my camera phone and made a dash to see this. 

What a blessing it was for us to catch this moment. Her marker was not due to be finished until mid-August or September. And the families aren't contacted until days after the piece has been set. So we were so happy to have been there to see this. We stayed a while and watched the men work. They both were so kind and asked how Lucy passed. One of the men shared he had also lost a baby when his wife was six months pregnant, also due to the baby's heart. They told us they were sorry for our loss and then one of the men went back to their work truck and brought out some water to pour in Lucy's vase. He said, to help the flowers live a little longer. Oh, these hard working men with their hearts full of gold!

They left us there, at Lucy's grave, now adorned with her new marker. Eric and I stood silent for a bit and waited for the water on her marker to dry. I took a few more pictures and then we went back to the car to wait for it to dry completely to get a good photo. As we sat in the car, we were flipping through the pictures in the phone, holding back tears, this is just so painful still.

Eric looked a bit closer at one of the photos and found there was a typo!! The marker said MAR 19, 2011. Lucy passed on MAY 19, 2011. I ran back out to the marker to see if it was just a bad photo, but sure enough the marker read MAR. I frantically started flipping through old emails to find the draft that we were sent for approval. There it was, plain as day MAR 19, 2011. How did we do this? How did we not see the date was wrong? Sophie's birthday is in March, Lucy's birthday is in May! How did I sign something so important without noticing. I stared at the drafts for hours when they were first emailed to us.  It just didn't make any sense to me that this happened.

I was devastated. My heart hurt so badly. How could I let my tiny dancer down? This little thing I had to do for her, and I messed it up! Eric tried to comfort me, tried to console me and get me to calm down, but I was done. I was so completely done with this nightmare, and all of the bad news, and Lucy's heart being so sick, and done with losing my baby girl, and the heartache, and the pain, and the loss, and the emptiness. I was DONE. I want off of this ride, I want it to stop right now.

I kept thinking, there's a reason they say "set in stone". It's permanent. She's gone. It's done. This happened, and there is no turning back. Lucy is gone, the stone is wrong... and Lucy is gone. I think this is probably the most raw I have ever felt. The darkest ugliest truth of it... my baby was born, she defied all of these odds, and then just like that, she was gone. It's not supposed to happen this way.

This feeling that I failed my Lucy haunted me for the rest of the weekend. I just prayed and prayed for resolution so we could move forward again. I wanted to hide the error, I wanted to remove the stone and not let anyone see what I had done. But really, who would I be hiding this from? I sat there in prayer and thought of all the "typo's" I've made in my life. All the mistakes, the times I have strayed from God. All the moments I should have been living to honor Him more. Who am I hiding those things from? He sees it all, He knows it all. He loves me, still.  

He knew this moment was going to happen; Lucy was going to bless our lives for 19 minutes, she was then going to leave us, and we would have to pull through. He knew we were going to be emotionally devastated, and wanted us to lean on Him for support. He knew again the day I signed that draft, that I would need comfort on the day I realized my mistake. And he was there for me, strong and loving Father, who catches me when I fall.  

We decided immediately, either they will be able to fix the typo. Fill in the letter and recut. Or Lucy is getting a brand new marker. End of story.  We are still not at a place where we can sit back and laugh about the mistake, but we will get there. We are however, at a place where we know we can get through this and that Christ, our Father is with us every step of the way.

My prayer for you today is to go to Him with your "typo's", be open and honest with Him and put it out there for Him to see you are ready for His helping hands. Let Him show you to it and let Him carry you through it, and I pray that you will feel that lightened load when you no longer have it all on your shoulders alone. I pray all of this in His name, Amen.



Should read: MAY 19, 2011


for now, Lucy's marker reads:

Lucia Faith

MONTOYA

MAR 19, 2011

Lucy

Tiny Dancer

(set of babyfeet)